Mailbag: How to deal with X-Wife or X-Husband & Children Betwixt

When I give advice in areas like these I always like to start with my disclaimer...

I'm a pastor- not a psychologist so my answer will be derived from my experiences as a follower of Christ and from my understanding of the Scripture. I'm also only 30 so if you want sage advice you'll probably be disappointed. I'm just figuring out life along with most of the rest of the people on this planet. Also, this advice is not valid in the state of Oregon. Why? I dunno... I got carried away writing my disclaimer. "Ahem..." The topic at hand:

I grew up in a home where my mom and dad were great examples of a great husband and wife. However, in spite of my parent's picture-perfect marriage, I've noticed a few things about X's while simply  existing on this planet for the last 30 years:

• The fight over everything
• They use children as tools as instruments of their revenge
• They sometimes leave really mean voicemail and email messages
• They talk about the latest conflict ALL the time
• They bicker about parenting strategy- insisting that they're always right
• They talk negatively about they're spouses to their children
• I could go on forever with this list... Imagine every other nasty thing that's been done by an X and put it here.

So in response here are just my knee-jerk ideas about the topic:

• Be the one who behaves like an adult.
• Forgive them no matter what they do or say.
• Forgive them no matter what they do or say.
• Forgive them no matter what they do or say. (got this one?)
• Don't talk negatively to the children about their parent. (talk positive where possible)
• If you share custody and don't get much time with your child, value the abbreviated time that you have with your children. Clear your schedule and let your schedule revolve around them (for brief visits).
• Listen to you children (don't pry) about their feelings about you and your former spouse. Don't interrupt with rebuttals or your defense.
• Don't give up. I'm asking you to be positive and honorable-not to play dead. Try to handle disputes peacefully IN PERSON without the court system.
• Don't communicate ANYTHING negative via text messaging, email or voicemail. Again, do this in person.
• If you're struggling, see a counselor to help in healing from the divorce and coping with life after.I highly recommend CrossLife.
• PRAY! Pray for your kids especially when they're not with you
• Pray for your former spouse – Don't pray for them to die a horrible death by way of attack aliens or the like. Instead pray for blessing and peace! You may receive exactly what you prayed for them!

You're not perfect. If there is conflict it is very unlikely one-sided:

James 5.16
16  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.


Seth Goldsmith is the Lead Pastor at Coastal Community Church in Sebastian, Florida. We meet at the Sebastian River Middle School near the Sebastian River Buffer Preserve.